July 06, 2003

I decided to go see my mother. It was ok, on Friday I went out there in the morning and had breakfast with her and my stepfather at Waffle House while the airconditioner that was set for summer heat froze us into submission during the pouring rain. Later on that day I left and let my brother visit some on the principle that when they got back I would go and visit with her some more. I had dropped in for a while just to talk about our plans for Saturday and my brother called and got upset that I was there. What an ass, so basically I was left with staying with my mother all night because he was huffy that I had shown up at all. We all walked down to the water near the bridge and watched as they shot off fireworks all down the coast, we could watch them from Valparaiso to Seaside. It was like the world had been made of fireworks for 180 degrees of vision, very cool. Not as cool as sitting in the park in Miami while you watched the city just be...alive all around you, but sort of a quiet by-the-ocean cool.

The next day I went to meet the for breakfast again. The plan was, since my mother wanted to see Phoenix, that we'd have breakfast amongst ourselves and pick her up for lunch. Every time we called over there she'd be back in an hour or so, till eventually we didn't have any time left and my stepfather was unhappy because he was needing his pain meds and I was unhappy because I'd told my mother it wouldn't be a problem to Phoenix and my mother was upset because she thought she'd get to see both of her granddaughters this summer and won't. I dunno how to feel, it just doesn't do any good to get upset when you can't change things. I called the night before, I had talked about it a month ago, I called three times or more yesterday, sometimes the only thing you CAN do is try and you still don't get things done to anyone's satisfaction. There's something intrinsically wrong with that, since it doesn't happen some of the time but all of the time or even each and every time. Now my mother is mad at me, making me feel guilty without saying anything again. I want to tell her that it's not my fault, but then she'd look somewhere else to blame and I can't allow that so I just accepted her mood as my own design. Life is rotten that way.

My brother went off to see her that afternoon, but he was late - real late when they left the house. That pissed me off, and part of me hopes it pissed my mother off. I've thought about calling her up after I finish this to see if my mother has the time to do anything today, but I think we've pretty much filled up the hours with all the things that we can stand to do with each other. I hope that doesn't happen with Phoenix and me, or even Phoenix and her mother. But I fear it, because no matter how much you want something and how hard you try it all gets screwed up. Not just some of the time or occassionally, but each and every time. Excuse me, but the glass IS half empty.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm trying to decide on if I need my flashy little tag board. It's neat but people seem to be more comfortable with the comments sections more. If I get any comments over the next week or so to say aye or nay then I'll do something about it, else I might just flip a coin.


Post a Comment

<< Home