January 15, 2004

What's New In The New Year?

Alright, I apologize for not keeping the steady flow of interesting things about me and from me flowing into your needy and suffering lives. I know you all miss me and my witty banter, who wouldn't?

Classes have began again, and this semester that means web classes. Yes, that's right folks: Porn all day long while I take tests. What's to not like about this? Well, impulse control has always been a mixed bag for me and now I'm trying to find a schedule for myself with no instructors to hold my hand. It's something I need to figure out of course, perhaps in doing so I'll figure out what is holding back my writing and gain the discipline to finish more of what I start. Ah, a good thing to perhaps come out of some really boring classes.

I found out how many classes I have left to take today too. Somewhere between three and five classes more and I'm off to paying a whole lot more for classes. It's reassuring and terrifying too. In a way I've sort of hid from the world while I licked my wounds I made for myself when I was younger by going to college. True, I've learned a lot of things I might have otherwise never set out to do - if anyone had asked me in high school if I'd ever be painting pictures I'd have laughed in their faces. I still don't think it's a particularly worthwhile endeavor, hours of standing in front of something waiting for something and then going into a blur of zen when the moment is realized. In a way I feel like I've just traded addictions, upgraded all the cigarettes and drinks and Trina for a slower and healthier paced heroin. I still don't feel like I'm doing what I was born to do except when I'm writing, as if all the art in the world is only temporary and a sideline to the real deal that I'll get around to eventually. I know that I'm only going to hit my stride when I'm older now, I still have more living to do before I'll have enough to say or perhaps when I'm old enough that I have no other choices I'll find the means within myself to succumb to my destiny.

Oh fuck, this was supposed to be upbeat.


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