November 20, 2004

Politics: Becoming A True American

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for not killing me before I had a chance to accept you as my Personal Savior.

I believe that Liberals and Democrats are under the control of Satan and his sneering minions, the educated and the well-traveled.

I do not want to be tossed into the incandescent flames of the sadistic hell you created for those who did not vote for George W. Bush or waiver in their faith by questioning the honesty, competence or syntax of Jesus' anointed.

Please Lord Jesus, I want to become a True Republican™ and a Real American™. I accept you as my Lord and Savior.

I believe You died for my sins and rose on the third day and floated off to your invisible, exquisitely decorated mansion in the Holy Ghost's subdivision in the clouds while an audience of early Republican prophets looked on.

I believe that in voting Republican, I am doing the implacable will of God.

I long to join my brother in Christ, George W. Bush, and every single True Christian™ who voted for Him.

I understand that all of America's problems began when we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the pinko, pacifistic false version of Jesus found in the New Testament, letting non-Protestant foreign trash into Your divine nation and squandering time we could have been at war trying to make peace with perfectly good enemies, before renewing our hearts and joyously embracing Republican Christianity's new improved, steroid-engorged version of Jesus Christ.

I want to help eliminate the deadly disease of liberalism and assist my President and Your appointed servant on Earth to help rebuild this country into the Glorious Christian Nation it once was on the rocky shores of Puritan New England in the late 1600's.

I gladly tithe my mind and no less than 10% of my paycheck, renouncing the demons of logic and education for they will no longer hold sway in my heart, as I now have both Mr. Bush and Mr. Jesus as my co-redeemers!



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