June 28, 2003

Going along with the whole messiah theme today, I've also just taken the Autism-Spectrum Quotient test and scored a 24. In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4, and eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher so clearly I'm probably NOT autistic. Pretty good omen for a messiah, don't you think? I did score fairly high though with my 24, showing my superiority to merely non-divine mortals with my excellent powers of observation and attention to detail.

In all truth I think the real reason I failed to score a Rainman score on the test was the fact that my father scared the shit out of me in mathematics with his flash card mania growing up, so numbers frighten me more than intrigue me. Also, while I find relating to the general public on a personal level, I'm not so socially misaligned that I can't understand them objectively. I might not like what goes on in the majority of people's little skulls, but on some level I can get where they're coming from. That's just not tongue-lolling attention to detail replete with number crunching...on some level I've always suspected that I pay very close attention to other people because I'm afraid of what other people are like.

I know I've got my fair share of hate, unbudgable motive and attitude, and violent temper but I know. For every one person out there I've met that knows that somewhere in their heart they have the capacity to be a truly bad person, I've met a hundred or more who might guilelessly and confidently declare that they could NEVER do something like this or that. Rubbish.

Even as the people of Israel proudly proclaim their moral superiority and "Never Forget!" they carry out assassination raids against their political and religious foes. As the people of the United States retaliate in fury against the foes of liberty, they blithely pass laws restricting that liberty. As preachers around the world teach the words of mercy and love, they also hand down histories of persecution and hate. All because most of the world is beyond self-examination.

Sometimes I have to check even myself, because sometimes it's just too easy to find the evil or selfish motive in a person's actions or words. I wonder if occassionally that isn't my dark side reaching out for some sort of companionship. It's a pretty sure thing that I'm not going to become a monster unless for some reason I suddenly found myself in a pretty stressful situation with no normal restraint, but I don't know anyone else who's dreamed of killing themselves as another person slowly with a knife. Boundaries are something I'm uncomfortable with holding inside myself, boundaries are for the outside.

Conversely, I think too many people hold their boundaries for the inside of themselves and then show less restraint while on the outside. People lie to themselves as easily as they do each other, pat themselves on the back for other people's successes, and attach their unseen personal demons to people who are different from themselves. My father told me the other day that he thought I should get into sales, but I can't do that. Selling things is all about lying, and the only way I know how to do that is to lying all the way through to the inside. Sure I could do it, but I think I would lose my soul like everyone else.


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