November 27, 2004

Humor: Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pounds for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "Fuck him. Give him five pounds."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

With apologies to Attu

Weird: 69 Sex Tricks

  • Sex Basics
  • Sexual Positions
  • Food of Love
  • Fire Up Your Foreplay
  • Sexy Beast
  • Real-Life Male Talk
  • Girl's Talk About Sex

Humor: 2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes

The Littlest Prisoner at Abu Ghraib Your child will be the hit of the neighborhood costume parade in this recreation of the Abu Ghraib prisoner-abuse scandal's most indelible image.

Yup. You've got my "No Worries Hole In The Sheet" costume beat by a mile.

Weird: Girlfriend Psychology

Understanding the opposite sex can be a job in itself, and translating the games women play can make the job even tougher. Let's face it -- you don't want to be engaging in psychological warfare with any female.

Weird: Sex Patch

In a surprise move today, Proctor & Gamble announced the release of a new testosterone patch intended to increase the libido of post-menopausal women. Its greatest impact however, appears to be in the high school and college sector among single men attempting to guarantee sex. The testosterone patch, which is applied directly to exposed skin, increases female libido four-fold, making sex almost a sure thing, even for members of the chess club.

Humor: Reverend John Flapps

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

With apologies to Attu

November 20, 2004

Politics: Becoming A True American

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for not killing me before I had a chance to accept you as my Personal Savior.

I believe that Liberals and Democrats are under the control of Satan and his sneering minions, the educated and the well-traveled.

I do not want to be tossed into the incandescent flames of the sadistic hell you created for those who did not vote for George W. Bush or waiver in their faith by questioning the honesty, competence or syntax of Jesus' anointed.

Please Lord Jesus, I want to become a True Republican™ and a Real American™. I accept you as my Lord and Savior.

I believe You died for my sins and rose on the third day and floated off to your invisible, exquisitely decorated mansion in the Holy Ghost's subdivision in the clouds while an audience of early Republican prophets looked on.

I believe that in voting Republican, I am doing the implacable will of God.

I long to join my brother in Christ, George W. Bush, and every single True Christian™ who voted for Him.

I understand that all of America's problems began when we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the pinko, pacifistic false version of Jesus found in the New Testament, letting non-Protestant foreign trash into Your divine nation and squandering time we could have been at war trying to make peace with perfectly good enemies, before renewing our hearts and joyously embracing Republican Christianity's new improved, steroid-engorged version of Jesus Christ.

I want to help eliminate the deadly disease of liberalism and assist my President and Your appointed servant on Earth to help rebuild this country into the Glorious Christian Nation it once was on the rocky shores of Puritan New England in the late 1600's.

I gladly tithe my mind and no less than 10% of my paycheck, renouncing the demons of logic and education for they will no longer hold sway in my heart, as I now have both Mr. Bush and Mr. Jesus as my co-redeemers!


November 04, 2004

Politics: Asshole

The smoke clears, and we're stuck with four more years of an asshole. Thank you for your moral values Middle America, your asshole will surely prevent the legions of dudes who were really looking forward to marrying you.

The Asshole Film Link