January 28, 2004

A Test

Answers Below

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?


1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning?Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? No. He must be dead if it is his widow.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?Two (2). You take two apples ... therefore YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?Meat ... that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE ... it's a dozen.
13. What was the President's name in 1960? GW Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.


The whole war is hell bit is a cop out. As others might elaborate I'm nowhere near a pacifist in my values, killing people does solve certain sorts of problems. Unfortunately it cheapens any solution you find, and even presupposing that one had the means and will to exact a 'perfection' of violence and kill every possible offensive person on the planet you'd gain nothing more than bile and plague. It's very nice to say things like "Not much else you can do, really."
but every party to violence is a casualty. When you state "War was the only way" and lower the bar, you sell part of everyone explicitly and implicitly involved. Bush said so, and he cut out a piece of everyone whether they agreed or not. People can deny it, but every soldier that dies is someone we all helped to kill now. Personally I'm past caring about killing but that doesn't mean it doesn't enrage me that Bush is selling our national soul in Iraq over dubious reasons or incompetence. Because the next time someone might say the threshold is just a teensy bit lower, and sell more of ourselves.

The whole affair was so incompetently put off that it's cost us so much political coin that it will take two Presidencies to even it out. If we were going to invade Iraq regardless of what the major players in the UN thought, we shouldn't have approached them with a choice in the matter. If we were going to establish fictional pretexts for a war, we should have made damned sure that the fictions never saw the light of day. If it was all a mistake, and the established pretext was based off of some weird coincidence of honest error and wishful thinking - then the President shouldn't be standing in front of Congress declaring that he'd meant the cat when he chased the mouse.

I don't know which is the most troubling- the idea that the President involved us in an expensive and deadly pre-emptive land war as some long range plan to stabilize the Middle East and then failed to figure out that there would be problems in garrisoning the territories, the notion that our Intelligence community is so incompetent and faulty that we really did think that the corroded mortar twenty year old shells and odd wagon with medical supplies in it constituted a massive illicit weapons program, or that the President of the United States is once again boldy telling the American public a plain-as-dirt lie on a scale that would make Nixon and Clinton blush.

Even the elusive fourth option is unpalatable. If the entire reasoning behind the war in Iraq was absolutely true and there were massive stockpiles of WMDs within the borders at the time we made our declarations of will and intent, then we've somehow misplaced and lost such a menacing arsenal somehow between our 'clear intelligence data', the constant flyovers of US patrolled airspace over Iraq, our agents in other nearby countries, and years of constant scrutiny. If that is the case, I can only suggest that we all bend over sharply and kiss our sweet spots - Darwin's ghost himself is obviously eyeing our amazing verisimilitude.

Still, I don't begrudge the war itself. Simply invading Tuesday and having the news conference explaining that we'd done it Wednesday would have been sufficient. By Thursday we could have had a small group of rebels in place to "aid", establishing ourselves as intervening in a civil war I suppose. If we'd gone in expressly to "arrest Saddam" because he's an evil dictator, then I'd probably crease my brow and not worry too much about that. But either this invention or this mistake of the WMDs, the "eminent dangers" to our national security, the language of religious crusade - we didn't just do a war badly, we're doing it in such a way that it constantly highlights our mistakes and humbles our excellence. It's a Babylonian Vietnam now, we've got the ability to crush anything we can shoot at but we've got no diplomacy or relations doing anything for people on the ground that might as well have targets painted on them. Instead we've got "bring it on" and a stubborness to work with the international community while we bankrupt ourselves at home. Instead of patting ourselves on the back for a really awesome trip into Afghanistan we've got to kids ducking rocket-propelled grenades and carjackings in Bagdad. It's a failure, a mockery. We've invaded the dangerous nation of Iraq, where Saddam butchered thousands and made it so menacing that the Red Cross is afraid to give people aid. We've up and said, "See, the war is over!" and then suffered a steady stream of casualties past all comparison with what our Commander in Chief blandly assured us was the real war. Who knows? Maybe the real problem is that we're now saddled with a President who doesn't know how to manage a peace. A hyperactive child that, once finished with the serious business of cleaning the house, now bounces about the living room upturning furniture and breaking things on accident.

Bush is obviously good at making decisions. He's also not above making bad decisions and then defending them like a litter of puppies. That's not just unpopular, that's an ass.

January 23, 2004

New Video Post

I present to you, for your perusal Hey Ya, Charley Brown

January 21, 2004

Obligatory Off-day Video Link

Check out this video. Cute.

Warning: I think you need Quicktime to view the file.

January 20, 2004

Early Valentine's Day Idea

Are you wondering what to give to your anal-obsessive, anti-religious significant other for our annual celebration of love? Well look no more, because today I present to you all the baby Jesus butt plug. That's right guys, perfect for that fallen nun or altar boy in your life, or maybe just to donate to your local coven for use in the orgies. With a little selling you could even forget the whole Jesus angle and shove it up your boyfriend's ass just to, "show him just a little bit of what if feels like to have even a tiny boy up there." Hell, I don't care what you do with it. Please don't send me freakin' pictures or testimonials. Unless you're part of a hot lesbian coven, in my heart of hearts I know you are out there. Please?

January 15, 2004

What's New In The New Year?

Alright, I apologize for not keeping the steady flow of interesting things about me and from me flowing into your needy and suffering lives. I know you all miss me and my witty banter, who wouldn't?

Classes have began again, and this semester that means web classes. Yes, that's right folks: Porn all day long while I take tests. What's to not like about this? Well, impulse control has always been a mixed bag for me and now I'm trying to find a schedule for myself with no instructors to hold my hand. It's something I need to figure out of course, perhaps in doing so I'll figure out what is holding back my writing and gain the discipline to finish more of what I start. Ah, a good thing to perhaps come out of some really boring classes.

I found out how many classes I have left to take today too. Somewhere between three and five classes more and I'm off to paying a whole lot more for classes. It's reassuring and terrifying too. In a way I've sort of hid from the world while I licked my wounds I made for myself when I was younger by going to college. True, I've learned a lot of things I might have otherwise never set out to do - if anyone had asked me in high school if I'd ever be painting pictures I'd have laughed in their faces. I still don't think it's a particularly worthwhile endeavor, hours of standing in front of something waiting for something and then going into a blur of zen when the moment is realized. In a way I feel like I've just traded addictions, upgraded all the cigarettes and drinks and Trina for a slower and healthier paced heroin. I still don't feel like I'm doing what I was born to do except when I'm writing, as if all the art in the world is only temporary and a sideline to the real deal that I'll get around to eventually. I know that I'm only going to hit my stride when I'm older now, I still have more living to do before I'll have enough to say or perhaps when I'm old enough that I have no other choices I'll find the means within myself to succumb to my destiny.

Oh fuck, this was supposed to be upbeat.

January 14, 2004

Gone Fishing

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices...
1 You come fishing with me and the dog...
2 You give me a BLOW JOB....
3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

January 09, 2004

Tiny Grow

This is strangely peaceful and fun. Doesn't everyone wish they had cool trip toys like this back when they were young and stoned? Or rather, aren't you young and stoned folks glad I pointed out such a valuable resource. Just think, no more talking to the towels in the bathroom while you're crapping!

January 06, 2004

This is freaking scary

How would you ike to wake up to this woman after a night drinking?