March 31, 2004
The Museum of Bad Art
On a cool, windy August night, Scott Wilson, MOBA curator, came upon a discovery that would change his life and the future of his museum. "It was big, I just didn't know how big," said Wilson, recalling the moment. He ordered the car to stop, "Backup" he screamed. As he leapt from the car, the top-most painting blew from the pile. The one below was even worse! One, two...seven, eight... each one worse than the last. "What is it? Who did them?" called a voice from the car. "It's unknown," Scott replied. "It's Unknown."
Miko Miko NURSE
Who Is Ron Jeremy?"
I didn't think there was a person alive who had to ask, but I got asked. So I lead you all to this interview. Know.
March 30, 2004
The world's longest email address, free.
"Each hominid is carefully researched and re-created based on casts made from the original fossils, the latest literature and full color, life-size photographs, or some combination thereof. All of our Bone Clones® hominids are produced with a custom formulated, high grade, polyurethane resin, which simulates the subtle delicacy of natural bone, yet is extremely durable and resists breakage and chipping. Every effort was made to re-create anatomical details of color, size, shape, reconstructed areas, and bone/fossil texture. "
Another fun and deceptively simple Flash game, protect your cake from the critters!
Random Copied Joke
It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take her to the dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers. "Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute." The father gives Bobby a cold beer and the two sit down together. "You know," the dad says, "My daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat." He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who nearly chokes on his beer. "Yup, yup," the dad continues, "She loves that screwing. Just can't get enough of it." When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. "Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist!"
Mars Rover Blog
Cute, content-linked, interesting. Gee, I wish I could do that.
March 29, 2004
Clots of Cat Period
Cambodian Man Cuts Off Penis To Feed Spirits
"Devils, I don't have any chicken or duck for you. If you want to eat anything, you can eat my penis."
Interesting. Devils prefer chicken or duck, but they'll eat your hot dog if you can't supply McNuggets. Or maybe he did offer them nuggets, but couldn't get the breading on?
Continuing my theme of the moment on strange dolls, I've found this link to links. Funny that...
Wefail is interesting in the same way as Scary Dolls. Interesting Flash movies. I do so want to learn how!!!
Make a Monster.
The Art and Words of R.S. Connet.
Don Bain's Virtual Guidebooks
These amazing photographs show you exactly what it is like to be in a particular spot - you can look in any direction, all the way around. It's the next best thing to being there.
Night of The Zombie Kitties
A completely stupid Flash game by Mata.
Pretty interesting movie, again from our friends in Russia.
Random Hot Or Not
5 Movies By David Shringley
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
The girl began to cry soon after the young man proposed to her.
"Why the tears, love?" asked her lover. "Did I offend you?"
"No dear," She replied, "I'm crying from great joy. Mother always says I'm such an idiot that not even a donkey would propose to me; and now one has."
Must be seen to be believed.
From the Strange Realm Of Commercial TV
"When it comes to golden showers all may not be as it seems, but then again with this sexy lady calling the shots you just have to give it to her"
Yes, with a slogan like "Get Pissed On" you know that it's a foreign commercial.
Whatever Happened To?
Ever wonder what happened to: Eddie The Eagle? The chick who shot Andy Warhol? That "Mikey" kid from the Life Cereal commercial? Well you've come to the right place, this is where we track the has-beens, the flash-in-the-pans and those pseudo-celebrities who were all too annoying during their 15 measly minutes.
My personal favorite? Krist Novoselic, the bassist from Nirvana.
Celebrities Missing Fingers
An accident with an axe, a childhood prank gone haywire, canteloupe-carving carelessness -- whatever the reason, many people end up making their mark in life while missing a finger or two. Here are some folks who've managed to get ahead with missing or damaged digits.
March 26, 2004
Everybody's Doing It
Ok, I don't know what this is...but another site referenced it and I liked the stupid floating heart graphics in the margins. If anyone actually gets laid thanks to this contact me IMMEDIATELY.
Who Would You Kill On Saved By The Bell?
Apparently the current tally has Jessie slimly defeating a horrible death for poor Screetch.
The 10 worst rock reunions
Breaking up is hard to do but getting back together again can all be too easy - and all too wrong. Gordon Thomson picks the bands who really should have let the past speak for itself
Blast From The Past Web Toys!
Remember the Etch-a-Sketch?
Songs About Pornography
When I attempted to play a set of porno songs on a radio show, the power shut down twice and we were off the air. I suspected divine intervention from either a) God, or b) the station's General Manager.
March 25, 2004
Photoshop Is Really, Really Cool
How do I know? Because I've just been to Human Descent.
Jesus Dress Up!
Go to hell and have fun!
March 24, 2004
The Exocist In 30 Seconds. (With Bunnies)
Yes. With Bunnies.
Who Will Save Rock And Roll?
This week, Dr. David Thorpe uses the power of scientific analysis to determine which band will be the true savior of rock and roll. Using NASA's top-secret ROCKSTAT technology, Dr. Thorpe has cut through the magazine hype and calculated with unerring accuracy the band which is destined to pull us out of the current musical slump.
Liquid cocaine found in fruit juice shipment
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security said on Thursday the 18-ounce (500-ml) can of juice from Jamaica contained liquid cocaine that would have sold for about $40,000 (21,800 pounds) on the street.
Photos From The War In Iraq
Dirty Bomb Questions and Answers
Dirty bombs and nuclear weapons explode in totally different ways. A dirty bomb is likely to be a primitive device composed of high explosives (such as dynamite or Semtex) and radioactive materials. The bomb blast rapidly disperses the radioactive particles, creating a radioactive contamination hazard. The blast itself of a dirty bomb is no more forceful than any other type of high explosive bomb.
The History of Cubic Zirconium
Cubic zirconia rings and other cubic zirconia jewelry are lovely substitutes for diamond jewelry. It has an interesting history combining science and beauty. Two German scientists discovered it in 1937. However, it was not until the 1970's when Russian scientist found a way to create it in a laboratory. Cubic zirconia did not become popular until the 1980's when Swarovski & Co. began making them in mass quantities.
100 Worst Porn Movie Titles Ever
"First off, let's set out the criteria : a BAD porn movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tape. Nope, these titles work against them -- they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I've divided them up into 5 categories : 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, 4) What The Hell, and 5) The Porn Store Clerk Laughed At Me. I'll elaborate later"
Cute Animated Gif Movies
Really, it's cute.
Trip Toy Extreme
Whoa man, it's like, trippy!
Finally! Britney Spears NAKED
Yup guys, this is it! We finally get to see what the Blonde One has been hiding under her oh so cute schoolgirl costumes! Just follow this link!
5-year-old sprinkled marijuana on school lasagna
A 5-year-old boy took a bag of marijuana to school and was sprinkling it over a friend's lasagna like oregano when a monitor intervened, police said.
The Art of Yuko Shimizu
YUKO SHIMIZU was born in Japan, and grew up both in Tokyo and in New York.
After receiving BA in Marketing and Advertising from Waseda University in Tokyo, she worked in publicity field in Japan for 11 years.
In 1999 she moved back to New York to pursue her career as artist.
In 2003 she received MFA from Illustration As Visual Essay Program, School of Visual Arts, NY, and now divides her time between illustration and fine art. She also teaches at SVA.
Yuko loves snow, bears and chocolate.
Man, this is one of the weirder ones. I mean, to me it's weirder than the guy with the conjoined twins fetish. What do I know though, I figured that someone out there might appreciate this link to satisfy their curiousity or pervy desires. Enjoy!
Examples from the Gross Specimens collection, of the American University of Beirut Medical Center, Department of Pathology. These specimens were contributed to the Department of Pathology by Dr. Harald Noltenius as a gift in 1970 for teaching purposes.
Gross is right...
Secret Worlds: The Universe Within
View the Milky Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin, DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and protons.
Man, people get off on and publish websites on anything these days. There is no kink too fucked up in internet land I guess.
Well here at ShittyAdvice.com we are constantly striving to bring you the worst advice possible, and we are reaching that goal every day in every way. But, we have been adding new ways for you to know we have new advice, and if you just have a quick question, we can give you some quick shitty advice too!
Bush Introduces Homo Alert System
President Bush on Thursday announced the creation of a new alert system that will allow the country to know current risk levels of homosexuality at any given time.
The Morning After
I'm sure we've all had mornings just like this after a night out drinking. It's just me? Oops!
Making Over Mona
Update the Mona Lisa with Flash! Just think, no more smile lines or vanishing bosum!
March 23, 2004
Man, stalkers are sort of frightening. Not in a afraid for my life sort of way, but in a "people are fucked up" sort of way. Why am I bringing this up? Well, I've got one. Here's some selected bits from the letter I got from the freaky stalking bitch yesterday:
Just a few things I want to say:
1. This is not an easy decision for me as far as sending this card. I have had it for 4-5 months (!!!) now. I hope you are flattered by it. I would be. I wonder how many stalkers she gets to be flattered by
2. I am not stalking you! Of course, how silly of me. Actually, I have your phone # and address written down. I have for a long time. I am sure you recall my call! And you were saying that you weren't stalking me, because having my phone number and address without me ever giving it to you isn't stalking. Right.
3. For whatever reason I cannot get you out of my head. Crazy comes to mind. I can only guess it's some rejection issue or something I have. I don't know. This is part of my attempt to take back control of my life. Alot
has happened in the last year. What I hope to gain by this is to "let it go", whatever it is, or to be able to communicate with you via email. "It" was nothing. Nothing! Just some casual conversation in a game I was previewing so I could get a feel for it before signing off on it for Phoenix. Cripes! If those conversations were deep intimate moments then I shudder to think about how repressed the woman is in everyday life. The thought of my having to deal with this for the rest of my life is nauseating. Did I mention she's married, has a boatload of kids, and is almost ten years older than me? What the fuck is this this bullshit? Am I supposed to feel guilty? I'd forgotten completely about this little bookmark of weirdness until this letter popped up. If I'm going to have a stalker why can't I have someone that I'd consider taking advantage of?Even a "fuck you" is better than nothing!Consider this my public fuck you, to match the private one I thought was loud and clear when you invaded my privacy by stalking out my home phone number. I am sorry to over step my boundaries, it's selfish motivation on my part. Well, DUH
By the way, I hope this finds you...Anyway, I don't have your address with me, just memory.Back the fuck up, you've got my address memorized and I don't even know you? I am so fucking loading a gun and making sure that all my bunnies are safe. Jesus! I would really like to hear from you.
And then follows a nauseating plethora of ways and means to contact her, from every email imaginable to cell phone numbers and addresses. What is the world coming to?
Let's be clear, I know I'm pretty easily identifiable out here in cyberspace. But I'm a private person too, and I expect people to maintain boundaries unless it's really clear that there aren't any. People I know in the real world, you're all invited to look me up and call me up any time. People on the internet, randomly visiting or even if I have some conversations with, don't look me up and send me cookies or phone my on my birthday. It's too weird and it's unwanted. Seriously, I'm not even certain that if you're phenomenally hot and want to jump my bones so bad that your ankles are sticky it's cool. You want to send me email and ask if you can call me up, fine. Don't surprise me. I don't like surprises or secrets, because people being devious sets off my "load the guns" motivations. And for God's sakes women, if a guy tells you never call here again save your dignity and don't assume that you can make it better months down the line by sending snail mail. That's just stupid and pathetic and weak. I don't appreciate things like that from people I actually know and have had relationships with.
Too Much Time On Your Hands
I've never seen anything like this before, but pencil carving is actually pretty beautiful. I can't imagine why you'd think to do such a thing, but simple beauty for no purpose has a certain appeal even to a cynical old bastard like myself.
Sex Educated Out Loud
"There are a lot of phallic symbols in society, and we wanted to put a vaginal one out there," Pruis said about the giant vagina structure that students could pay a dollar to stick their head in and have their picture taken. "After that, we thought 'Let's have a sex fair!' Where? At the second annual Sex Out Loud Health Awareness Fair held Thursday at the Illini Union.
The Cult of Diet Coke
Is it safe to be addicted to Diet Coke?
We have no idea. All we know is it tastes great with heroin.
Boy I don't know where you've been, but I seen you've won first prize
Kilts, unsafe for small children.
Look, I don't really understand bodybuilding as a 'sport' but I'm pretty sure that the whole idea is about promoting physical beauty, or at least some weird idea of physical beauty. In the name of all that's holy though, don't even bother if the best you can do is showing up like this!
I want this Tshirt! If you've got more money than sense, buy meeeee! Nevermind really though, because I don't think I could wear a fucking 20 buck tshirt without being REALLY offended. Unless a tshirt comes with a blowjob and contact high from a concert why should anyone bother paying 15 dollars more than they're worth?
March 22, 2004
Paris by Night
More impressive than the other Paris, even if it's less polite and cleaner. I'd rather wake up in the morning with the other one though, because I'm a pig.
A Man is ultimately the sum of his accomplishments
"I think it a sad sign of the times that, in this age of entrenched nannyism and political correctness, a person is more likely to be judged by what he refrained from doing than what he actually did."
In this spirit, here are 40 Things Every Drunkard Should Do Before He Dies.
Tellingly, I've accomplished somewhere around half the list I think.
How Fast Do You Have to Be Driving To Do This?
Just let your imagination take you to this place. The good news is that the driver probably won't or can't remember themselves.
March 18, 2004
What Sort of Genocidal Maniac Are You?
Ferret's Purity Test
|Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...|
I wouldn't shake hands, if I were you
Puts 'em on the glass
Humps fire hydrants when nobody's looking
Knows the other body type like a map
Repressed, are we?
|Fucking Sick||69.9% |
Dipped into depravity
|You are 41.69% pure|
Average Score: 72.7%
States Visited Map
March 16, 2004
6:00 AM Blog Entry
Alright, I've stayed up till daybreak once again for no apparent reason. I haven't been doing anything really important or mulling over a piece of my artwork or writing or anything. I've just been up, all night listening to the slow hum of the informercials blabbering in the other room. I haven't been having any awesome conversations with my friends overseas, or not overseas, or even with myself really. I've just been up. I don't know why I do this to myself, or even how sometimes. I could probably stay up the way I feel right now all the way until Wednesday or even Thursday if I supplemented my lack of common sense with caffeine or watching what passes for cartoons all the time. I just wish I were more productive with my time. I've got so much of it, all to myself in the house and nothing to bounce off of and run myself out when I get a little antsy at an odd hour.
Things were easier when I was younger, I'd just rush on over to someone's house that I'd know'd be up smoking the last bits of their bag and entertain them while they giggled away their high. Or I'd go out and go to a club and blow off the energy that way. I know that makes it seem like I get bouncy, but it's not really. I'm just very cerebral, I can't stop thinking and when I can't stop thinking my body won't let me sleep. I've talked to some people who seem to insist that I must be worrying about something, which is probably something of a transference. I don't worry about things really, when I'm actually up because I'm worrying I get things done and spend myself and fall asleep pretty good actually. No, I build houses in my head. Make art without touching any materials. I write novels and become paralyzed without a means to spew them out quickly enough to make sense of them. Even words are too slow and I can't even record it because I get too tongue-tied and frustrated that sometimes the concepts are there but while I thought there were words it was only that weird intra-brain body language that sometimes gets confused for real speech.
An awful lot of my life seems to be spent slowing myself down actually, not that you'd notice from seeing me sit my fat ass in a chair and stare off into space for so many hours I suppose. It's happening though, and it's like I'm dipping my hands into a stream and trying to scavenge nuggets as they go by and toss them into a pile behind me that I can only hope that my subconscious won't come up behind me and swipe away as I'm doing it. I admit, occasionally it's painful and frustrating enough that I cry. It's just as bad when I know I've got something but it's just an amorphous idea that I don't have the means to implement. I'm insanely jealous of people who've got more organized thoughts sometimes, or people who can keep journals during the fact instead of after the fact like this one.
It's raining outside right now pretty heavily, and it sounds beautiful. Really drenching and intense, the sort of rain that coats you immediately when you walk out into it and crisps your jeans later on in the day once they've dried. In another time I'd have liked to take someone else out into the rain and watch the blackness rise into dawn as we'd sit like idiots in the rain. We could taste the Gulf salt from the rain on each other's lips and laugh. Strangely I'm not sure if that ever happened. Intimacy memories are usually the most fleeting I think. Sometimes I can't tell the dream of the kiss apart from the kiss, or my yearnings for someone from what actually happened. It's like they're not real unless they're in front of me sometimes, by becoming intangible memory they make some sort of blurred translation into the possible from the precise. Honestly that scares me sometimes, but then they're so beautiful compared to the real things that happened. Maybe the dreams are better, even if they're only memories of dreams.
I wish you were here. Someone should be, someone not me. I think I'm too broken sometimes to really appreciate things without someone else to reflect on. Without a mirror I'm just a lamp without any walls maybe, I can't tell where I'm at or how I'm doing. I just do what I was designed to and grow hotter and more painful. Maybe I need someone to tell me if I'm beautiful, or if my light is growing harsh and too bright. Maybe I'd just burn anyone who was too close to me anymore though. I used to shade people with lies I can't really tolerate anymore. Instead of passion in a kiss, I'm afraid the taste would only be the blood of bruised lips and hunger.
March 15, 2004
Our Favorite Swear Words
50 things we wish girls knew
6. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the question
Jenna Jameson's father presented with lifetime achievement award at Porn Emmys
"Usually the award is just a sop to an over-the-hill pornstar," said director Havel Weinstein, "but Jenna's work is so incredibly masochistic that we had no choice but to award it to her father." He later explained that, "his lifetime of inflicting abuse took such a toll on Jenna's psyche that she would do anything in front of the camera."
March 06, 2004
Oh, The Horror!
Pitch your monster movie!
March 05, 2004
Stay Young Forever
Brought to you by Diesel.
March 04, 2004
More Pointless Humor
As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange, buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and saw her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Australian get captured by cannibals. The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The Australian says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The Australian takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?" The Australian sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
Every Blog Needs Sexy Girls
Here is one that you'll have to judge for yourself. It kind of reminds me of Stargate. No, the other one.
How To Pretend Like You Know Everything
You don’t know everything. In fact, you hardly know anything. But that doesn’t mean you can’t at least pretend like you know it all. This is actually quite hard to pull off. People will often call you on your bullshit if they don’t feel it’s true. And then you’re left in the awkward position of explaining yourself – which is worse than not knowing what you’re talking about.
March 02, 2004
Newest Pointless Test - Yes I Should Be Studying For Midterms
Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity. Recent adversity has led to questions
about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a
number of tourists and admirers. And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good
meal whenever it's called for. Good enough to make people cry.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
John Kerry Is Hung Like A Donkey
Should Bush be intimidated by John Kerry? According to this article, very few men outside of gay porn and the bluegrass of Kentucky shouldn't be. All I can say is, "Wow". That sucker should make dealing with diplomatic relations with New Zealand a snap, as well as explain how he bagged a billionairess. I wonder if this signals a step forwards in "no gag reflex" as a qualification for White House intership?