Oh, and by the way

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So today I turn 31. Wow. I guess that's where the lyrics came from. I hate getting older. It sucks. Phoenix and I were chatting about it last night before she fell asleep. She said that her mother had told her that she was looking forward to growing old because that meant grandkids and seeing everyone grow up and all that. That's bullshit. I don't want to trade, I want grandkids and for my pecker to still work. Screw this receding hairline crap and the encroaching waistline creep, the only thing I really want out of growing older is more years. I know I've read and seen all sorts of speculative science fiction stories about what being able to live more than one lifetime would be like, you know the whole "I've watched everyone I ever care about die" deal. So what? I can watch everyone kick the bucket and deal with it in one lifetime. I guess I'd get over it in two or three just fine also thankyouverymuch. Sure, as I grow older I have less in common with people that are younger. I have less in common with people that are the same age just the same, so where's the tradeoff? I mean, I understand where my friends with wives and corporate jobs are coming from but it's not like I have much comparison examples from my own experiences. Conversely I'm daddy enough that it is absolutely abhorent to me now the idea of living the whole get fucked up lifestyle that some of my single friends seem to thrive on. I know I bitch and moan about my life, but it suits me really. Most importantly though, the whole thing about growing old and dying seems so...wrong. If I'm going to die I don't want to waste away, I want to go out on my own terms or at least make an example of myself in a startlingly brutal accident.

I don't know, maybe I could spontaneously combust while screwing a younger woman in a crowded bar. Something that would affect people around me for years to come and influence thousands of people. You know, something completely different from the way I live right now. That's all for now. See you all later!

Live From Casa De Fallon

Staying the night at someone else's house is always pretty difficult for me. It's doubly so when I'm the only one in here, I considered going home tonight since Phoenix is spending the night at her friends re:Her Friend's BD Party but I guess I just couldn't live with the idea that it might become difficult for Phoenix to call me. After all, she's called me maybe 5 times in her life - a side-effect of me calling constantly to get updates I guess, at least maybe she won't be a phoneaholic like her mother when she grows up. So I'm here in the dark, without my trusty and now working computer or my massive stash of games. They've got a really tricked out Xbox, but I think doing any serious gaming (aside from sports games and racing games) just about requires a mouse. Oh well, at least I was finally able to see the Matrix sequel.

Oh, and one more thing. I just saw that Madonna/Britney Spears music video...Now I'm going to be going blonde crazy mother-daughter in my sick pervo wet dreams. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that. To repeat though: I wouldn't mind being the filling in that vanilla oreo. Screw any consideration on if they can sing, it's the woman who I masturbated to parading around in her underwear in the 80s with the girl with the helium-filled super funbags. Daaayum. Now I just need a visual reference for Janet Jackson making out with Naomi Campbell and I'm not sure if I will ever need to seek porn again. Burned into my BRAIN I tell you. Lucky for me though, I think the song is contrived and derived and not very good. I'll probably have IT stuck in my head too.

I'm A Total Addict

Phew! I'm still really over my oh shit moment of the past few months, I was trying to install some old games onto my computer and the whole thing just decided that enough was enough and that it was going home. Really. So Windows was crapped out enough that it wouldn't even reinstall itself and I had to spend some agonizing hours s-l-o-w-l-y moving my important files over to my D: drive which had it's own oh shit moment twice in the past few days. So for someone who does most of everything on the computer, I haven't had a very good run of things recently. I really need to get enough money to upgrade this cantankerous piece of shit real soon I think, I've got this "your warranty is invalid" feeling about the whole machine lately. The only good news about the whole process is that I managed to salvage my Favorites and all of my pictures and artwork this time, even if I did forget to backup the email. Everything is an ugly jumbled mess thanks to DOS' no long filenames thing going on, but at least I can look forward to something to do as I guess I'll just go down the list at some point and re-bookmark and delete the old one. Fun fun fun!

In the "weird but good" category I spent this morning trying to fix the DSL modem, which wouldn't reinitialize with the old startup disks thanks to me "fixing" the password on my modem. The dumb program that sets up the DSL couldn't talk to the modem with the new password, apparently even after I popped the reset button on that bad boy. BUT, when I came home with some dreadful anticipation to my apparently long hours ahead of me to see if I could indeed once again master my modem, the whole thing became for naught. That's right, started right up. Go figure. I wish I know what I might have done, but I'm a photoshop guy not a networking guy. I'm just happy I can feed my addiction again. It's hard being without the internet and living alone. I'm pretty sure without it I'd be a corpse coughing up bullets on a slab eventually, pessimistic but perhaps realism is my strong point. In any case, I will be gone still most of next week even though I probably will pop into here occassionally. Hope you are all doing well and everyone has a great week on my birthday!

The week of Halloween

Just a reminder, next week starting from Friday I won't be around. I'm going to try to find some time to update, but I won't be home so I will basically be at the mercies of Phoenix's schedule. That's right, I'm going to go spend a week at Trina and Josh's while they're out of town in LA for something. That's a little creepy really, no lie. Not that they're going to be in LA, but that I'll be a week in their house. I'm sure Phoenix will make it better for me though, even if I don't get any sleep for a week because of weird noises from the varmits in their attic. Anyways, I'm going to try to figure some time in to update the site (who knows, I might even do it more than usual) but I can't promise anything. I'm not comfortable sometimes using other people's personal computers. God knows I'm incredibly not cool with anyone but me and Phoenix getting on mine. The best news of all about this is that I get to be with Phoenix on my birthday, when I'm still planning on ditching class for my once I allow myself each semester. I guess its a better reason than "Stayed up too late drinking cheap rum".

Phoenix and I need this bonding time I think. Thanks to my houseguests I've not been spending as much one on one time as I might have wanted to for several months. I'm not sure if she's cared or noticed, but I think it's important. I know I'm not getting to be a real parent for her, just the part-time stand in that I'd always feared I'd be and loathed - but still the only thing that really keeps me going is the thought that someday she might need my rather unique perspective to help her make an important decision and I don't want anything to screw up the trust in me that she'll need to call me out. Oh well, stupid fathers and their weird-ass plans I guess.

$2,261,186.00

Humansforsale.com says that you should need over two million bucks to buy me. The average male is worth $1,822,344.00, proving once again that I'm a hugely inflated piece of garbage. I don't know what about me makes me worth over $300,000 more than the average man. Maybe it's my nicely-sized but not horselike nether-appendages. I hope so, if someone wants to buy it for three hundred grand they can have that bad boy. Then I could afford a new tv and computer.

Ok, enough with the frickkin' half posts...Here comes monzster maniac me!

My computer has been freaking out lately. Most specifically I've been losing my D: drive. Twice. That's pretty annoying, even if it's only 13 gigs and I've backed it up pretty extensively. I lost most of the songs I was working on recently, for instance and if it ain't on my ftp then I don't have a copy of the old ones either. The whole issue seems to be my CD drive, which has been having a complete hissy fit over some of my old mp3 disks that have been through hell and back. I've talked to Josh and he seems to think that it might be my inferior Dell power supply and my crammed case. I'm not disinclined to argue with him. I've checked the harddisks themselves extensively and they seem to be fine, no more bugs than I normally find in my WindowsME computer at least and no STDs for androids either. Anyways, I've been fighting it. I think I might end up just reburning all my mp3 disks, which will be a pain but what else do I have in my life anyways?

Anyways, I've been updating this tonight. You might have noticed. Or not. My usual standards for updating include me having something to say or coming across something funny. I've not been very prompt lately in updating so as you might guess I've got a backlog of cool things to show to everyone to prove how clever I am. Or not.

I've got a lot of bizarre. Barbed wire hula hooping anyone? The Sect of Homokaasu has an endearing logo, "Kill Everyone". Nice to see that I'm not the only one that sees funny little electric cars as an environmental half-measure. Then we have bad baby names which might be the only place a prospective parental torturer might be able to turn to have a clear conscience that naming her daughter Uretha might be a damning thing to do. The Gematriculator is another wise thought from those kooky Homokaasu, to rate a site on the inherent good or evil wherein. Just so you know, your faithful blogger's site is a wholesome 80% good. The word nasty is worth 1051 points...Nasty. I don't speak Japanese, or whatever this is, but here is a whole page devoted to timelining a lizard growing it's tail back. I dunno, maybe it's an article on how to farm the tails for food? "The seamstresses who create such abominations should be stoned to death," is the quote that sticks out in my mind about the new fashion tend in Iraq. Personally I think the fag who convinced guys to wear turtlenecks should be stoned to death too, and maybe my first roommate. This site about pierced nipples probably should get a nod too, oh the agony. They've got links to underage leather too. Want more? How about dispelling that myth that cum is good for your skin? Yep, empirical experimentation. You can convince some idiots to do anything. I'm going to tell them right now that I meant that it was good for stopping ulcer pains and that for best results some chick should come over right now and have me deposit some to line her stomach with. Yeah, maybe that will work. Or maybe I should just start interviewing dates with my frickking mortar in tow, nothing says "little dick" like a big widemouth piece of artillery that shoots bowling balls at sod. For more funny, there's always Mr. Deadguy. I think they're puppets, or maybe they're just really really really hungry and ugly. More: Who wants to be f'cked real hard? I like the image of Kobe manhandling the Olsen twins, that would probably be the best porno I've ever seen. It would sure beat seeing some guy's ex-gf's glass eye that he decided to put up on EBay. I don't know what some people are thinking, only most people. And believe me guys, that shit ain't pretty. You are all some sick fucks.

Finally, I dedicate this movie that I didn't make to all women everywhere. Ah love's yah baby.

Disney is really freaking evil

What's Donald Duck doing in this picture? Do we really need this menace staring and hunching at the kaboodles of our nation's youngsters? Just what is his relationship with his three "nephews"? How many other Disney employees are secretly seducing our children into "sitting on their laps" and other cretinous behavior? And most importantly, am I the only person who saw The Little Mermaid and went, "Man, I need to get out more. That Ariel chick is hot"?

The Nipple Guy

This really has to be seen to be believed. At once disturbing and at the same time making me envious, this commercial spot is entirely funny. No, I'm serious. You might have to tell them that you're some sort of journalist to see it, but go ahead and lie. If they get onto you about it just tell them that J said that it was ok. What are they gonna do anyways?

On another nipple related note I've been watching the show Newlyweds all night off and on thanks to a lack of anything else on and the fact that vacuous brainhole aside the chick in this show is really hot. I mean, if only. With those brains and those boobs it's amazing that she didn't end up pulling trains at NKOTB concerts, except I think she might have been eight when NKOTB was out...which would make my last comment pretty fucking icky. Sorry. Anyways, it is a crying shame that a complete moron can have that much money and spend it on so many ugly tacky things. Well, except for the blonde with the nice hoots I guess. I think she sings? And the guy is what? From gay porn? Who knows. Gratuitous eye-candy is made thusly at 2 am in the morning.

Ancestors are weird

Ana, who sent me some feedback in a previous blog, reports in her blog that she's from the Heard and Mcdonald Islands. Heisenberg uncertainty jokes aside, I think that it's outstanding. No, not because people from all around the world are reading the malicious bullshit that I call as my personal brand of thought. But the Heard islands...I hope that isn't a typo because it would be a complete bummer to go back to complete anonymity again after I've sat for a whole two minutes basking in the fame of having islands named after me. Well not me, of course, since I obviously didn't do squat about them but someone tenuously related to me like John Heard (the sort of famous actor that hardly anyone knows about).

I know a lot of people probably have opposite sorts of problems, "No, I'm not related to Michael Bolton" and things like that. There are quite a few semi-famous professional (and non-famous semi-professional) athletes named Heard but quite frankly it always makes me feel a bit weird claiming them since they're all black and a person only has to look at me to know deep down in their soul that I am the whitest white man on the planet. That and my Alabaman lineage makes me automatically suspect, as if by saying, "Why yes, my great great grandparents had sex with many negros," I'd be admitting some horrible truth about my own nasty racist ways. Anyways, they're right out. I'm tired of explaining that I've never french-kissed my cousins or shagged my sister already. I don't even have a sister, except a step-sister that I've seen maybe three times since my mother married her father when I was eighteen. Where you were born shouldn't have much to do with anything, EXCEPT IF YOU WERE BORN ON HEARD ISLAND. I mean, how cool is that?

Of course the whole thing is puzzling. Everything always is. My CIA factbook, who I suppose we pay to know these things, says that the islands are uninhabited and sub-Antarctic. Ana doesn't appear to be uninhabited, quite the opposite. She even looks like she's attractively tanned. I suppose its time to conjecture that Ana's parents went a bit out of their way when they were looking for a place private to get busy and decided that an almost frozen rock in the middle of the ocean would be a grand place to exchange underwear without any of their parents or siblings bothering them. Maybe they even had a giggle like I did when they noted that the northernmost island is called Shag Island. Seriously, if I were making it up I swear to you that it would have something to do with poop or boners so its the absolute truth.